Reflections from a decade that has gone by

20 things that I learned in my 20s

Jan 16, 2021

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Hi there 👋🏽

Welcome to what seems like day 382 of 2020!

The calendar says the year has changed yet somehow everything feels the same. There is still mask-wearing, social distancing, frequent hand washing, and a general air of gloom.

Every time I feel a sense of stagnation I look at baby T and realize that time really is moving forward. She was born the month the world went into a lockdown for the first time and now she can stand up (with support) and has a tooth. The wheel of life is moving along.

And so with that realization, I did what I do every January - I reflected on the year gone by and undertook a visualization exercise (with OKRs) for the year that has started to unfold. This time around doing the exercise was super special, not only because I have gone through a massive life stage transition (I am a mom now...there are days even I can't believe it) but also because the 2010s were a very special decade - it is when I became an adult.

From 2010 to 2020 I collected a whole bunch of degrees, left home, started working, experienced heartbreak and loss, met the most amazing guy, married that amazing guy, moved to a completely new country, bought a house, and became a parent. 2010-2020 was an extraordinary decade in my life, and I will go as far as to say that decades later when someone tries to understand why I am the way I am and what shaped my worldview I am certain that events that unfolded in the 2010s would have an outsized impact.

So this year when I undertook the exercise I did not just reflect on the year that has gone by but the entire decade. Below are some of the key "ah-ha" moments I had during this exercise. You can think of this list as my advice to my 19-year-old self or a letter that I write to Baby T with some life advice as she is about to entire her 20s (which she will obviously roll her eyes at) or just simply how I now view the world.

Below are the 20 things that I learned in my 20s:

We all need escape velocity to exit our current orbit and better our life. You should aim to get it in your 20s because of the concept of compounding. One of the best ways to get it still remains formal education. It gives you a network and a brand that opens doors
The allure of productivity porn is strong. Avoid getting sucked by it. Remember you are getting dopamine hits from chasing numbers and not the activity per se. Don't be afraid of free time. It is not always wasted. We need this for both creativity and consolidating learning
Your life should not be static - spend your 20s constantly redefining yourself. Chase your curiosity. When presented with multiple options pick the one that helps with regret minimization. You have time on your side and can recover and pivot (once you have the right safety net in place) from a few false starts
Like with most things in life, friendships too need a purge. When you step back and think a lot of people you were friends with growing up was because of proximity, convenience, or inertia. Like you outgrow clothes in your teenage years, in your 20s you outgrow some friendships. It is totally okay to acknowledge that and move on. It is fine to refer to someone as an acquaintance / colleague / classmate or an "ex-friend"!
People who view their career as a lattice are more interesting and confident than people who view it as a ladder. The former function from a place of curiosity, they are more sure of themselves and are willing to keep trying new things. They understand that growth need not only be linear. The latter are mostly obsessed with playing zero-sum status games and invariably work from a place of fear where they don't want to leave the safety of a system / place that they understand. They are constantly in need of social approval. Whenever possible try and take career advice from the former
As soon as possible, dissociate ego from your career. Don't get stuck doing what you don't want to do because somewhere someone likes the sound of what you do. Choose a path that your heart truly desires. There will be tough days at work, there will be bad days at work however on average you should be excited about getting out of bed and going to work. If there are more bad days than good, leave that place
You can always become more ambitious. Keep pushing yourself to do better and expect better from people around you. Constantly raise the bar.
Now that you are an adult get to know your parents as adults. Start seeing them as humans with their own set of flaws, desires, and insecurities. Spend time with your parents, they are only growing old. Lots of people, unfortunately, start losing parents in their 20s. Don't wait too long
Recognize your privilege. Privilege is not just wealth. The fact that you are safe is a privilege. The fact that you have free time is a privilege. In fact, every time you are faced with a decision and you can focus on maximizing the upside as opposed to minimizing the downside then you have some privilege
With people who you frequently interact with it is always better to have the difficult conversation. In the moment “agreeing to disagree” feels like the easiest and safest option, but avoiding hard conversations can lead to assumptions that generate resentment. With people you have infrequent interactions with, it is always better to ignore and move on
Create a set of rules to live by. A set of rules that you create for yourself is hugely empowering and makes decision making much faster and easier. Also, people seem to respect rules. They respect it when you tell them you don't do something because of a rule you live by. When someone else makes rules for you they constrain you. When you make rules for yourself they free you
Intentions do not matter. Only actions do. Don't judge people by what they say. Judge them by what they do
Do not do anything that you are not going to be proud of. In most cases, the world will forget it. You will have a tough time living with it
The human need to love is greater than the need to be loved. That is why we get pets and have babies
Always observe how a man talks about his mother / sister / wife / girlfriend's career. That reveals a lot about his worldview towards gender issues than almost anything else
Pay close attention to your content diet. Just like there is good food and bad food similarly the world has good content and bad content. Feed your brain more of the former
Financial success is a combination of hard work, luck, and privilege. The only thing truly under your control is work. So work hard and make money. Nothing is more empowering than knowing you can take care of yourself and a few others
You are young only once, work hard but enjoy life too. This is not an either-or. Go on dates. Go for parties. Travel. Say yes to new experiences. Have fun so you have those crazy stories that make you smile as you get older
There is no right time to get married. Only the right person. The person you eventually marry has a great impact on your life. Make sure that person is right for you
Take care of yourself. Build good habits. Sleep well. Exercise often. Eat clean. Laugh daily. Smile often and fall in love with someone deeply

I would love to hear from you, feedback is always welcome!

Decks and Diapers

Reflections from a decade that has gone by

20 things that I learned in my 20s

Below are the 20 things that I learned in my 20s: