The Coffee Chat (#113)
My conversation with Deja Riley: Creator: Modification Mama; Professional dancer alongside Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, J.Lo, and Beyoncé and Mom to One!
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When men publish ideas, they're thought leaders.
When women do it, they're content creators.
When men turn experience into a business, they're entrepreneurs.
When women do the same thing, they're girl bosses.
When men become executives, they're leaders.
When women do, they're female executives. Woman CEOs.
When men come back from parental leave, their title follows them in.
When women do, a new one gets attached: working mom.
Labels aren't accidental. Words matter. They decide who gets taken seriously in hiring rooms, in promotion committees, in funding conversations.
P.s: Reminder we have now started the reverse countdown to the end of The Coffee Chat Series within Decks and Diapers.
☕ Now, on to today’s coffee chat…
Meet Deja Riley
Deja is a fitness expert, coach, philanthropist, storyteller, and proud mama whose approach to wellness is rooted in joy, authenticity, and connection. She is known for her dynamic blend of dance, boxing, kickboxing, and strength training. From pioneering the MIRROR home gym community to serving as the face of lululemon’s footwear launch, Deja has inspired thousands to embrace movement in ways that feel empowering, inclusive, and fun.
She was also a former professional dancer who has performed alongside music legends like Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, J.Lo, and Beyoncé!
Beyond fitness and dance, Deja is passionate about using her voice to tell meaningful stories and uplift others. Her own journey through infertility and motherhood transformed her perspective and deepened her commitment to advocacy, education, and supporting women through every stage of life.
Below is my conversation with Deja…
Please tell us a little bit about yourself
I’m Deja Riley and before I start giving you my profession, titles and credentials I want to start off by saying: I am light, I am love. I am a motivator. I am a beacon of inspiration. I am someone who loves deeply. I am someone who leans into growth, and I’m always looking for opportunities to grow in every area of my life. And I am someone who subscribes to the belief that your mind, body, and soul are a whole - not separate parts.
With that said, I am most known for being a former professional dancer turned fitness pro. I am also a motivational speaker, content creator, and the founder of Modification Mama - which is essentially me helping postpartum and evolving bodies feel powerful through movement, motivation, and community.
Tell me more about Modification Mama
I started Modification Mama thinking I needed to rebrand myself. I am definitely someone who likes to live in my authentic truth, and so much of my work and what I do in support of others is driven by that. I wanted to do something that felt like it met me where I was and would meet other people where they were … something very accessible and empowering.
Prior to this, I had always been very athletic - doing a lot of high-impact movement. I was boxing, dancing, doing strength training, HIIT, cycling, running … all kinds of things.
And then I started having fertility issues - towards the end of 2020 going into 2021 - my husband and I embarked on our journey trying to conceive. We were really just in it, trying to do it naturally. Then about six months in, we discovered it just wasn’t happening. So we went to see a fertility specialist; they ran all these different tests and gave us the green light to just keep trying and not to be discouraged. So we kept trying.
We ended up getting pregnant, but that ended in a loss about two months in. And I think that’s where I first felt the deepest heartbreak I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
From there, I sustained a couple of injuries while going through fertility treatments, and it was the first time I actually had to start modifying my movement … modifying what I was doing with my body and thinking a bit smarter about how I was pushing myself, and about taking rest and recovery seriously. And when I did that, I noticed that it didn’t make me weak. It didn’t make me less powerful.
In all actuality, that’s where my power came from - being wise enough to know I needed to move in a different way, and really acknowledging, embracing, and honoring where my body and my mind were.
So that is really where, mentally, Modification Mama began, though I wasn’t a mom yet. This idea of creating more accessible ways to move your body, more accessible ways to think, more accessible ways to feel good in your skin. And once I became a mom, that became my daily reality - through pregnancy, and then through postpartum, where I experienced things like diastasis recti, a twisted pelvis, being completely out of alignment. I was in a healing place for a very, very long time … longer than I would have liked. And instead of making myself feel like I was being held back, I thought: I’m going to forge forward with what I have.
One of my favorite quotes, which I always share with people, is: “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.” It’s by Arthur Ashe. And that quote has never been more real to me than in postpartum, because I really had to utilize whatever time, energy, space, and physical capacity I had to move forward. There was no other way around it.
I am passionate about purpose-driven storytelling, accessible and empowering fitness and wellness, and really just showing other moms that it’s okay - no matter where you are, no matter what your family life looks like - you can be powerful as yourself, as who you are right now.
I love all of this. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal too. I feel like when we openly share it is a gift.
You’re clearly someone who grew up being very athletic: a dancer, a boxer, incredibly physical. And yet this body you’re now navigating doesn’t feel like the same one.
I was a former competitive athlete myself, so part of why I’m asking is that I relate to this. When you’ve spent years trusting your body - seeing it perform, recover, and do extraordinary things - you develop a certain belief that if you take care of yourself, fertility challenges are something that happen to other people.
I went through two miscarriages myself, and what struck me was the disconnect between the story I had about my body and what was actually happening. We often carry an unconscious image of who struggles with fertility, and it’s rarely someone who is healthy, active, and doing all the “right” things.
How did you make sense of that? How did you grapple with the realization that despite doing everything you could, this was still happening? What was that mental and emotional adjustment like for you?
Yeah, honestly, Rashi - I’m still grappling with it, just maybe in a different light now. Sometimes I look at my body in the mirror and I’ve been very transparent about this on my social media and I think: how is this even possible?
I’m still holding on to weight in certain areas, my stomach isn’t flat yet, and I’m almost over two years postpartum. And I’m still so active, as moms in general, if you have kids, you are active just by nature. But I also set aside so much dedicated time to move my body - cardio, strength training, all of it. And I was really starting to doubt myself in a lot of ways. Especially in those earlier years, going through my fertility struggles …I had that miscarriage, I had an ectopic pregnancy, I did four IUIs, I started IVF …and my body was just saying: you need to hit pause.
And mentally I was really grappling with: how is this possible? I feel like I’m doing everything right. I’m eating well, I’m implementing movement and rest and recovery into my schedule, I’m hydrated… you go down the entire list of everything you’re doing right for yourself, and you still hit this wall.
And that is actually where I’ve developed such a deep sense of empathy for others, because it doesn’t matter. Infertility doesn’t have a name on it … it could creep up on anyone, enter anyone’s life. I’ve also watched friends deal with other health issues, a lot of them also in the wellness industry, and they have that same moment of questioning: how is it possible that I’ve poured so much into my health journey, and yet I’m still experiencing these struggles?
It’s a bit surreal. And it’s something I’m constantly working on mentally. I talk about it with my therapist, with my husband, with my friends. I’m just very vocal about communicating exactly where I am, because it’s a very real thing for people.
We come from these deeply athletic and healthy backgrounds, and sometimes end up in the same position as someone who never took their health that seriously. And I find that unexplainable - it’s just different for everyone. But yeah, it’s definitely something I’m still working.
And for women like us pregnancy is not easy too … when your body starts changing, you feel this beautiful thing you wanted so badly, and at the same time you look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself.
And I think especially as women and I know you were in showbiz before this, a dancer who performed with big stars, you’re just used to looking a certain way, or the world seeing you a certain way. And then one day you look in the mirror and think: “This body doesn’t feel like mine. I used to be able to do all these things, and now I can’t.” So I’m wondering if you ever felt that through pregnancy and if you have women reaching out to you saying they feel deeply uncomfortable in their own bodies right now ….how do you navigate all of that?
I felt the same way. It is something so beautiful: a deeply desired gift that I think so many women experience in their lifetime: that feeling of wanting this thing so badly, and then walking through the transformation. What I like to call it is a metamorphosis, and a metamorphosis is never easy.
The way I reframed it in my mind was: I’m going into my cocoon right now. In a lot of ways, we kind of have to hibernate when we’re pregnant and through those early days and months of postpartum.
So I always thought: okay, if I’m going to come out as this bright, beautiful butterfly … what is the cocooning season supposed to look like? It’s probably not going to be pretty. It probably looks like tucking into a shell, going inward, really paying attention to the internal side of things. Listening to your heart, taking time to journal, just really going inward.
I did a lot of meditating, a lot of yoga and stretching … things that required me to move a lot slower than I was used to. With my athletic background, and a very intense one, I was not used to slowing down.
If I get the blessing of another pregnancy, which I truly hope for, I think I’ll just slow way down and pay attention to every little part, because it really is so beautiful.
Because the thing is: at the end of the metamorphosis, you do want to be that big, beautiful butterfly. But if you rush the process, maybe a little piece of your wing won’t be there. Maybe you won’t fully develop, and you won’t be able to use your wings. I really believe that what you pour into those moments of slowing down, remaining present, and going inward … you reap the benefits of later.
I love that.
And I know so much of this has been focused on the body, but I feel like there’s just so much wisdom in what you said, beyond the physical … in how you show up in the world.
And I’m curious: has motherhood, or this entire journey of becoming a mom reframed what success and ambition mean for you? Because I suspect the version of you before all of this operated in a certain way. What’s your relationship now to those words … “I’m ambitious,” “I’m successful,” “I have this thriving, growing business”? How do you define all of that for yourself in this season of life?
You know, Rashi, to answer that I kind of have to go back and talk about how I used to define success, and how I used to speak of ambition … so much of it was defined by my accomplishments, my accolades, and the credentials I’d acquired over time.
And then I look at this little human who thinks the world of me, and he knows nothing about any of those things. He looks up at me with these starry eyes, and I am everything in his world and he doesn’t know that I danced on stage with Beyoncé and Britney Spears. And he doesn’t care.
So when I think about it now, I’ve simplified the definition of success. For me, success is showing up with what I’ve got. Success can happen on a minute-by-minute level, a month-by-month level, a year-by-year level, or over the course of a decade but as long as I’m showing up, being present, and using what I have inside of me, that is success.
It’s less about being everything to everyone and being this huge star on a stage, and more about being present in the moments that matter. Showing up for my family. Showing up for my friends. I feel successful when I take the time to go to lunch with my girlfriends, stay fully present in the conversation, put my phone down and when I leave, my heart feels so full. That was successful. And I don’t think I would have looked at success in that same way had I not become a mom.
And the other thing I want to ask about is identity shift …because for a lot of women, becoming a mom brings this massive change in identity. For you, it sounds like it was more gradual, since even before becoming a mom you were already transitioning away from the world of dancing and being around stars, and moving into fitness and wellness.
But showbiz is notorious for being a really hard place for women … it tends to treat women a certain way, and unfortunately there’s this idea that women have an expiration date, and the industry literally puts a date on them. And I know there’s a lot of literature about it.
But how did you navigate all of that? Because it is, in some sense, like a drug, isn’t it? Being on that stage is infectious. I haven’t danced behind Beyoncé or Britney Spears, but I’ve grown up loving their music.
I was at the Eras Tour watching Taylor Swift and thought, oh my God, what a life. It has to do something to you when you’re on those tours, surrounded by those performers.
And then the contrast must be really jarring when you walk away from that life. How did you navigate the identity shift? And I’m curious … do you still hang out with some of the people from that world? Have a lot of them made the transition too? How do you do it in a healthy way?
Well, it’s interesting. The ones I’m still connected to from the dance industry and entertainment … they’re all parents now. So we’ve all kind of gone through this shift, at different times. And I think that’s what keeps us connected - we’re able to talk about this level of ambition and this desire to perform, and also this other side of our lives now: parenthood. That level of responsibility, keeping your family together, keeping your family healthy and safe, being at the core of everything you do, being at the center of your “why” and why you go out and do the things you do.
I’ve also noticed, not just in myself but in a lot of them, that it kind of shifts. Not necessarily your level of ambition, but more your desires. For me, dancing on the road would not have been a life that fit well with having a family. I was literally touring all over the world, sometimes in rehearsals for eight-hour days for a week or two weeks straight, then hitting the ground running into a show, constantly auditioning. I know there are people who make that work, but I knew, for me, it wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t the life I pictured with a family … being a mom, being a wife. I met my husband back when I was dancing in my mid-20s, so he’s gotten to see that version of me. But I don’t know that my son ever will, because I have made a complete pivot in my career.
And the real reason was that it was deeply affecting my mental health. You touched on it …about women not necessarily being well respected or valued in that industry. For me, the biggest part was feeling rejection, feeling small, feeling insignificant, feeling replaceable.
These were things I came to know are not the truth but it’s how the industry made me feel. And I literally remember the moment - I tell this story over and over - I was on the field at Super Bowl 50 performing behind Beyoncé, and I knew this was going to be my last job. It was amazing, I wanted to go out with a bang, it felt good but standing on that huge football field, I had never felt so small in my life. You think about the universe and sure, we’re all tiny specks. But when you’re in an industry that’s supposed to be about using your gift, being big on that stage, performing for the world and what you’re feeling on the inside is the complete opposite… because of the lack of respect, the lack of appreciation, the lack of compensation … all of that factors in.
And I looked at it and thought: I have had this career for over ten years, over a decade. It’s been amazing. I grew up as a competitive dancer - I’ve been dancing since the age of three, classically trained in ballet, jazz, tap, Flamenco, lyrical. And I will always be connected to the art in some way. But it was so important to me that it feed my mind, my body, and my spirit in a positive way. And I just woke up one day and it wasn’t doing that anymore. So I said: let’s pivot. It doesn’t mean I’ll never dance again but dance may look different for me.
And when I did pivot into the fitness industry, dance cardio became the center of what I teach. So I still get to move my body in a way I love, and I still get to inspire and motivate others on their journeys. It’s a really beautiful thing for me. I think so often we get stuck in an identity and feel like we can’t break out of it but I really believe we can be so many things in this lifetime. You don’t have to be stuck in one box for 40 or 50 years.
If you have a passion… like what you’re doing with Decks and Diapers …why not chase it? Go after it. Let your heart lead.
I’m really glad I did, because it led me to the fitness industry, and the fitness industry led me to hosting, meeting different people, networking, sitting on panels, speaking at different events. I feel so fulfilled by everything I do. And I also know this isn’t the final destination …I’ll probably make another pivot at some point. And I think that’s healthy. It’s really important to stay true to who we are, and we don’t stay the same person our entire lives. We are constantly evolving, and I think our careers should evolve with us!
There’s just so much wisdom in it, because I see so many similarities across the different industries I’ve spoken to. I’ve talked to women who are, say, lawyers doing very well in big firms. From the outside it looks like a really successful life, but so many of them are miserable and broken inside. And I think there’s a real fear to walk away from that life … because for a lot of people there’s this sense of: “But you have it all. Why would you leave? Maybe give it another year.”
Because when you tell people what you do, when you have certain titles attached to your name, there’s this aura that gets created around you. And so for a lot of people, there’s enormous fear in walking away. But I really applaud and respect that you were able to say, “This is not going to serve me well … I’ve done this, and now I’m moving on.” And you’re not trying to constantly make it a defining part of your identity, because that was - to use Taylor’s language - an era of your life. It’s over, and now you’re on to the next chapter.
I was also reading about your family background …your dad was, in his own right, famous and musically influential, and you navigated your own version of that kind of public life. So how do you think about your son growing up and carving out his own identity?
You’re building a business, your family has this creative legacy - how do you think about your son still being hungry and ambitious and wanting to forge his own path, versus thinking: “My mom did this, my granddad did this… the world owes me something because of the family I was born into”? I know it’s a big question, but I think you’re following what I’m asking.
I think about those things very often, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I think so much of parenthood is like that. And I’m sure even more so once you have your second … a lot of my friends with multiple kids say you think you’re figuring it out, and then you figure it out again and again, because every child is different, every experience is different, every stage and phase of their life is different.
So when I think about it, one thing my dad did very well - even though he was very prominent in the industry and had this incredible rapport with others in it - was instill a work ethic in me and my siblings that I truly value and appreciate. And though I think I’ll do a lot of things differently from my parents, as most of us will, there is one thing I will say clearly: I will instill a work ethic in my son.
And in the same way my parents allowed me to feel limitless … letting me try different things, even things outside their wheelhouse … if something seemed completely different from anything they knew, they were willing to grow in that area and learn more about it, and find ways for me to be educated and supported in whatever I wanted to do. My parents never forced me into anything.
And what’s really amazing is that I built up my own excitement and desire for the things I do. It wasn’t because my mom was a dancer …though she did dance, she didn’t turn it into a career because she became a mom and was full-time at home with us. But there are certain things that are just in your DNA that you naturally gravitate toward. The musical inclination that came from my dad and a little from my mom too is in me. But I also had the beautiful opportunity to explore and really find what I gravitated to on my own.
It’s interesting, because I’m the oldest of ten, I have nine siblings, and we all do something somewhat creative. All of us, except for one: he’s a full-on sports kid, completely. But the rest of us do something creative. One of my sisters is a makeup artist. Another is a choreographer who does advocacy for dance. Another one’s a DJ. We all just kind of do our own thing. And my parents always celebrated whatever it was that we did.
What I want to pass on is a very strong work ethic … really working for whatever it is that you want, pouring your heart and your energy into it, and having that dedication and determination to become what you want to be. I want to be able to teach my son that. And then, you know, his dad is a school teacher, so we already have that balance in our household we come from completely different worlds. But I want to make sure he feels supported in whatever it is he loves, while also knowing that whatever you do, you have to work at it. You have to be intentional about moving in that direction. So yeah, I haven’t figured out exactly how that’s going to go yet, but this is definitely something I’ve given some thought to and something I really respect about what my parents did with me.
Any last words of wisdom or advice
I guess I can just give my little tidbits of advice and share what I think is the most amazing part about being a parent and a professional. I’ll start with that, and then I’ll give the piece of advice I had.
So I feel like the hardest parts of being a parent and a professional are finding balance and that may not always look like 50/50. In fact, sometimes I feel like I’m pouring maybe 5% of my energy into work, and 95% into parenthood. And then on other days, it tilts in the other direction. There’s a bit of that identity tug of war. Because, though I know that being a mom is one of the greatest roles I’ve ever been given in my life and it is such a great gift, I sometimes feel reduced to just being “a mom” especially because, as of recently, I’m getting back into freelance work. But for that first year and a half, I was really at home with my son, not really doing anything else. And I was having a hard time with that, because I am a very goal-oriented person so attached to my career and I was just having that tug of war constantly, in my brain and in my body too.
So I’d say that’s one of the hardest parts: the emotional toll and the mental load of carrying both of those things. And then there’s learning to rest without guilt - that’s a really big one for me. I think, oh my gosh, rest is a part of the program. That’s what I would always tell my friends: rest is a part of the program. You have to insert it into your week somehow. I even tell some of my friends, “Look, put it on your schedule. Block out this time to this time. You’re not going to do anything you’re going to rest. You’re going to allow your body, your mind, and your spirit to recover.” So resting without guilt is a really hard thing to do.
The most rewarding parts are what I model for my child - the strength and the joy I’m modeling for him every day. I can see it reflected in him. I honestly got the best compliment at a birthday party a couple of weekends ago: my son was running around, laughing and playing and falling, and someone said, “He’s such a happy kid.” And I was like, yeah, that really makes me feel good… thank you for saying that.
And then seeing your community feel seen and heard … sharing experiences like the ones we’re sharing with each other right now. I feel like that is one of the greatest rewards I’ve gotten: this deep sense of connection with community on a whole other level, especially now that I’m a parent. So it’s really beautiful to be connected to platforms like yours, where there are other parents out there feeling some of the same things and riding some of the same waves. We are all connected, united in a very special way, and I think that’s really beautiful.
If I had to give advice to other working parents, I would say: you don’t need to choose between being a great parent and being a great professional. You get to be both, in your own way and at your own pace. And I’m taking that advice myself too because sometimes when I feel like I’m really crushing it in motherhood, I think, “Oh, but you’re not doing anything in your career.” And I’m really hard on myself in that way, and then vice versa. So that would be my advice.
🤓 Open tabs…
(I have modeled this section after those “open tabs” that we all have with a few (okay 30-40) interesting links that we promise we will eventually get to one day. These are the links that I had open for sometime that I finally got to …)
⭐Are all husbands “Strangers”?
The disaster that Burden finds herself is due to the fact that every woman in a patriarchal society enters into a relationship that will shape and determine her entire adult life in many ways, with someone who has been conditioned to see himself as superior to her.
Most men wouldn’t articulate this and aren’t even consciously aware of it—they have feelings of love for their wife so of course they would naturally treat her equally, right? Well no, he naturally won’t—not because he’s a terrible person, but because male superiority is the water that we all swim in, and it requires a conscious, uphill battle to push against it. Many won’t.
⭐What It Takes to Get a Job at Anthropic
“We ask people like, what are some unusual beliefs that you hold and how have you defended those beliefs in kind of uncomfortable situations for yourself because you felt it was the right thing to do,” she said. “It’s not like we’re looking for a particular belief system. We’re looking for the ability to say, ‘Hey, I felt this was the correct thing and maybe it wasn’t popular, but like, I really stood by this.’”
Another trait the company is looking for, career coaches and former recruiters say, is intellectual independence. Rather than reward flattery, “they actually want you to be skeptical” of the company and how it’s pursuing its mission.
📖 My private thoughts from my very public diary…
(Sometimes on X (Twitter)…. sometimes on Threads)
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Inspiring interview of a multifaceted mom - thank you for the feature :)