The Coffee Chat (#14)
My conversation with Nicole Jolly - Executive coach, Ex-VP operations at a radio station and mom to a 7 year old son
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Hi there 👋🏽
Last week I wrote a post celebrating all the first time pandemic moms and while I did give a shout-out to these phenomenal ladies I forget to mention an equally special set of women without whom this group would have struggled - their moms! I don't know how I would have done this “new parent thing” without mine who has at every step of the way reassured me that I got this. Moms really are special :)
This also made me think of how as we transition into adulthood our relationship with our parents should ideally start changing. There is a lot of research around the parent child relationship but not enough around the parent-adult child relationship. I was curious to figure out ways in which I could be a better child to my mom.
Going down the internet rabbit hole I found this interesting Atlantic article which addresses How Adult Children Affect Their Mother’s Happiness. Bad news - “Plenty of moms feel something less than unmitigated joy around their grown-up kids.” Good news - the article provides some tactical steps you could take to “Make sure your mom feels that she’s getting as much out of her relationship with you as she gives.”
In summary “The next time you call your mother—and make it today—ask her about something going on in her life that doesn’t involve you at all but that you know is important to her. Ask for details, listen, and then offer your thoughts. It might feel odd at first for both of you, but you’ll get used to it, and your mom will like it.”
☕ Now, on to today’s coffee chat…
Meet Nicole Jolly.
Nicole and I randomly met each other during a networking event and I was intrigued by her story and all the different roles she has played in life - VP at a boutique consulting firm, VP operations at a radio station, active member of multiple boards and now a certified executive coach! She has constantly re-invented herself and now is helping others unlock their full potential.
Given that Nicole is helping a diverse set of people become their best possible self, I really wanted to hear her thoughts on parenting.
Below is my conversation with Nicole …
Please tell us a little bit about yourself and your family
I live in midtown Toronto with my husband and seven-year-old son. We were always close, but the pandemic has really brought us closer as a family, while simultaneously having threatened to end my marriage… We love(d) to travel, love music, love to have fun. We believe in helping others, trying new things, and we always hope to leave the world a bit better than how we found it.
We’ve really bonded with our neighbors since COVID started, but it’s been hard to see less and less of family, all three sets of our parents live in Toronto.
I’ve been working from home for years as an Executive Coach. My husband, Mark, works in commercial real estate, he’s been home since March 2020, which has been a real adjustment for both of us. We celebrated our 12th anniversary a few months back.
Currently, we are well into another lockdown, so there aren’t a lot of interesting things to report. We’re taking advantage of Toronto’s ravine system for walks, and during the winter did a lot of outdoor skating in parks. Work is taking a lot of our energy, and parenting seems to take whatever’s leftover. Our neighbourhood has been holding socially distanced street gatherings where people dance in their driveways. We’ve both guest DJ’d that event a few times and had a blast!
For you what was the hardest part of becoming a new parent?
What wasn’t? There were parts that were very instinctive, but, so much that wasn’t obvious. We thought we knew what we were doing, but with hindsight there were so many mistakes we were making. I still can’t believe that you need certification to drive a boat, and they let you walk out of the hospital with a newborn HUMAN with no clue or manual on how to operate…
We had fertility struggles, so our child was desperately wanted by the time he arrived, but I’m amazed at how we didn’t really know what we were doing. Our marriage took a beating. We each had ideas about what was best, our instincts to protect this little being kicked in, and without knowing what we were doing, it was a source of tension. Not to mention, being constantly exhausted and thinking you’re doing everything wrong because everyone else seemed to have it more together!
After becoming a parent did you adopt any new beliefs, behaviors, or habits that have most improved your life?
I like this question because it’s really asking me to take stock. My kid is 7 now, so it’s also a memory test! I think that becoming a parent has made me far less judgemental of myself and others. I see the way my son is his own person, and now I understand that you really can’t ‘control your kids.’ You can try to set them up for success, but they aren’t tiny puppets, as much as some days we wish they were. I’ve become a Coach since he was born, and letting go of judging others is essential for my work. With hindsight, it’s been incredibly liberating to just allow everyone to ‘be’ who they are, in my mind, anyway
You are part of a dual-career household. What choices have you and your partner made that has helped you become a dual career household with kids?
I think we support one another as best we can. My husband was really supportive of me going to Coaching school and that made all the difference for me. We have a lot of respect for each other, and our son, I think that pulls me through, anyway. Not sure how he’d answer this!
The biggest challenge that working parents with young kids have is a lack of predictability in their schedule and limited time for themselves. How have you managed this?
We’ve kept a regular sleep schedule for my son since we read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child when he was four months old. He’s developed into a good, sound sleeper (touch wood) and he goes to bed relatively early. Being religious about his bedtime has given us some predictability. In the Before, we were big on having babysitters so we could go out. We introduced them early and always people he adored, so luckily, we didn’t have any tangible separation issues.
What is one of the best or most worthwhile investment you have made after becoming a parent?
The sleep book mentioned earlier. I honestly think keeping him on a regular sleep schedule has been one of the keys to his development. Having a well-rested child is EVERYTHING. I don’t take for granted that we have had great childcare support. We are lucky to have had access to some great care givers that we trust, and it’s provided some freedom that was a real necessity. I also believe that parents should invest in themselves. I always tell my son when I’m doing classes and courses so he can learn that education never stops.
What advice would you give others who are on the cusp of becoming parents? What advice should they ignore?
We got good advice long before we became parents: to always be united with your partner in front of your kids because they can smell weakness, and they’ll exploit it. We were lucky enough to hear this early in our relationship, and I think it goes for family too. Even if you disagree madly behind closed doors, you have to be united with your partner to the people that might want something from you.
I’d ignore the advice that your gut tells you is wrong. I believe that 99% of us have the answers inside, we just need to trust ourselves.
Quick-fire Questions:
What’s the best thing you have watched recently?
Ted Lasso on Apple TV
What’s the best thing you have read recently?
I just finished Leave the World Behind, by Rumaan Alam. It was creepy, but engaging.
What’s the best thing you have listened to recently?
We have music on all the time around here, it’s impossible to name one! I did my Coaching training at the Adler school in Toronto and I’m an Adler fan, so I’ll share a podcast I just found called Alyson Schafer, Parenting the Adlerian Way. She’s a parenting expert, I’ve seen her speak a few times and she is AMAZING!
I would love to hear from you, feedback is always welcome!
And if you happen to know an inspiring working parent who should be featured in a future edition (or if you yourself are one) - please do get in touch.
Disclaimer: All views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer